#and then i feel guilty because i didnt carry the conversation correctly (and i WANTED to learn about the other person)

[lego-brick]

sometimes i wonder if im autistic but then i do research and don't have half the signs. same with adhd. i take those online screenings or self assessments and every time i get exactly half the marks, score "borderline", or "show signs." i also struggle with like, remembering aspects of myself so it's hard to answer those questions correctly, especially if they are what feel "normal" for me. i feel like im in a gray area between neurodivergence and being neurotypical. i dont fully relate to either group. but it's been stressing me out because i struggle with things some people find easy and i want to know why my brain is like that.

[alien-at-the-dinner-table]

An emotional vent

Hello, you probably have no idea who I am, and the impact you’ve had on my life. You’re a sophomore in a sunny college, learning wonderful things. If I remember correctly, you wanted to go into film… or maybe writing. As I write this, i’m fighting off the urge to look it up. I might later. I have liked you for 3 years. And you have been away at college for 2 of those years. You’ve had relationships, long nights, essays, birthdays and a million little experiences, and not for one second did you think of me. And that’s ok. We never had a conversation, at best we said perhaps ten, fifteen words to each other. For a long time I tried to stop liking you, tried to stomp out the embarrassing feelings that made me feel like a crazy person. I felt stupid, after all my feelings about you weren’t based upon some interaction with you. But after some reflection, I realize why I cant get you out of my mind. So, I am going to attempt to solidify the feelings and thoughts into being, and maybe feel less guilty about my feelings for you. And to do that, let me explain in chronological order how I came to know you.

My first memory of you is at our school homecoming dance assembly. Every year, we had a homecoming theme, and the grades would compete during the assembly in song and dance numbers based around that years theme. I was a freshman, and the theme was ‘Lion King’. In the years since, it’s never been as good, mostly because no one showed as much passion as those in the grades above mine. You were in one of these lip-sync dances as Scar in “Be Prepared”. I thought you were so handsome, which is unusual for me to be so taken with someone’s aesthetic appeal (being an asexual person and all). I cant remember any of the other performances, but I remember feeling so happy to be apart of what would eventually become a faded lackluster event. 

Soon after that, I joined our schools reading club. I didnt know you were in it, and I hadnt put 2 and 2 together. You were just another face in a crowded room. The day I realized who you were was nearing the end of the school year. We were playing musical chairs, and I had a game plan. My idea was to choose a chair at random in advance and when the music stopped I would throw myself at it so fast that I would get it. That plan worked pretty well up until I slammed into you, who was apparently going for the same plastic folding chair. I was so embarrassed and apologized immediately, not recognizing you at first. You laughed and said something to the effect of ‘no worries’. Then in the next round we collided yet again, and when you made a joke about my really wanting to get to that chair I finally looked long enough at you to know where I knew you from.

Cut to 2 years later. Im a junior, and taking classes at the college in a program called running start. I was incredibly depressed. I was emotionally numb, my thoughts felt caustic and I felt as if the only way to slow my eventual failing was to throw myself into being a perfect student. It was that year that I was in a creative writing course with Mrs.B. I was so scared it would be another grueling class, but minutes into the first class  I knew it wasn't like that at all. Mrs.B was amazing ( and still is ) and the people in it were too. That was the only class we shared. At first, I thought I was drawn to you because I wanted to be your friend. That happened to me often, especially in that class as the people there were so funny and open minded. I remember one day, where during a break you sat at my table across from me to talk to your friends. I was reading a book, and found I had a hard time not looking at you. I know you noticed and in a panic, I looked back down at my book, moving my eyes as if I was reading. I couldnt focus on the words when you looked at me confused, luckily for me you turned and rejoined talking to your friends. I was so confused, why was I so drawn to you? I have a million other memories of that class, memories of you joking, making people laugh, and just being an overall wonderful human being. And when you graduated and left a week before the rest of us juniors, there was a notable shift in the classes dynamic. Not just because of your absence, but all those other nutty wonderful seniors who brought the same light and joy that you did. 

That year was so difficult for me, for a myriad of reasons I wont get into, as it could fill a book. But what I will say is this: that class gave me hope. It still does. I think that’s why I like you to this day. You were a part of something so wonderful, so important to me that I will never forget you or that class. It wasn't just you, it was Mrs.B, it was the other seniors, the Taylor Lautner cardboard cutout with the third eye post it note on it, the personal book collection that we could borrow from, the four corners games, the Halloween ghost stories. That class was magical. Those hours I spent in there were the few times in that year that I felt genuine happiness, where my thoughts didnt hurt, and I saw that people could be kind. You were apart of that, you helped create the environment that was so special, so needed. I didnt have a lot of hope, I felt so pathetic, weak, and unwanted. I spend a lot of time wishing I would have talked to you, introduced myself. Maybe we could have been friends. But that year, my self esteem was so low, I thought that no one would really want to be friends with someone so hollow. So I looked from afar and listened. I saw how kind, gentle, funny, and loving you were. You carried a light with you, and you made everyone around you feel better. I could see it from a million miles away. Your laughter was infectious, and you inspired everyone who saw you. I might not know much about you, but in that year I saw the ripples of your actions affected those around you, and saw the joy and goodness that came from them. I know that my crush on you is perhaps just based upon an idea of who you are or were. But I don't think thats completely true. I actively looked for flaws in you, something to ground me, and found little. Maybe I like an idea of you, but it is an idea founded upon the fundamental truth that you helped those around you, and actively tried to be a good person. I will never forget you or that class, because I still need to see that people can be good, that they can change for the better. I don't think I can shake this crush. Because you were the first boy, man, what have you, that I didnt see danger in. Because you were helped create a space that felt warm and safe when my whole world was cold and dark. I honestly don't want to look to find flaws anymore. I don't want to try to make anyone into an idealized image I have in my head, and I certainly wouldn’t do you the disservice of making you so singular. I have a crush on the person you were, to the person I saw do wonderful, silly things. I know that you were far more complex than what I saw, and I hope you have a wonderful complex life full of flaws and mistakes and love and joy and everything that makes up a full and fulfilling life. I hope this doesnt come off as something from “YOU”, I just wanted to say thank you for who you were to me, even if you will never know what you mean and meant to me.